I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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