Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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