I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
