if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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