thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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