is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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