My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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