Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
