Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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