Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
