it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
