I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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