I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
