my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
