You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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