He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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