I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
