If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
