I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
