No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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