I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
