i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Even my vagina gasped.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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