i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
