I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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