what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
