Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
