So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
