Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
True college students do jello shots in the library
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
