PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
