Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
