just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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