ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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