last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
