if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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