Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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