I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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