i think i have herpe
just one?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
