remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
