I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
