I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
