my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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