at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
