I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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