I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
