I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
