Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Randomize
