in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
