I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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