the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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