I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just found puke in my bra..
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We are all done wearing pants today
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
