shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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